Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Reevaluating Your Life

By Lisa Manterfield

thinkingWhen you realized you were never going to have kids, did you reassess your lives and make any big changes that you never would have made had you had kids?

I was asked this question recently and it caused me to stop and think. Much of the past five years has been spent healing, coming to terms with a life without children, and learning about myself again. And while I’ve done a lot of reassessing about the kind of life I want to live, I’m not sure much has changed.

When we thought we were going to have a young family, Mr. Fab and I had planned to buy a house in the neighborhood where we rent. The schools are good, and the city is family-friendly. But now we won’t be having children, that’s no longer a priority and we’ve talked a lot about where we’d like to live now that we’re free to live almost anywhere. Buying a house is no longer a priority. In fact we have our eyes on a sailboat instead.

But aside from that, not much has changed in the way we live. Much has changed in the way we thought we were going to live, but when I step back and reassess, life really has just gone as before.

Sometimes I think we feel pressure to do a major life overhaul when we realize we won’t have children, but is that true? Yes, I have more freedom to take opportunities and make changes, but after all is said I’m done, I’m still the same old Lisa and the things that were important to me before are largely still important to me now.

How about you? Have you made big changes now that your life won’t include children?

The final book in the Life Without Baby ebook series comes out tomorrow! In Thriving in a New Happily Ever After, we look at how to find joy in your life again, how to decide what, if anything, needs to change, and how to take the first steps to move in a new direction.  

Our Stories: Ruby

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesRuby* wanted to feel “ready” to bring a child into the world. After a tumultuous, abusive childhood, and many years of living in fear, she found a therapist who could help her heal. Finally, she felt she could take on the responsibilities of being a parent, but was single. It would be many more years before she met her current partner, and he didn’t want children. Then he changed his mind. When their efforts to become pregnant failed, including one heartbreaking miscarriage, they ultimately decided to stop trying.

Now 48 and childfree by circumstance, Ruby has redefined what “giving birth” means to her. Read on to learn more of her story and her new perspective on being childfree.

 

LWB: Briefly describe your dream of motherhood.

Ruby: To create the nurturing loving supportive home environment I never had as a child. To leave the world more loving than I experienced it.

The irony is, that when I was young and fertile enough to have children, I didn’t want them. I was sexually abused by my father when I was very young. Up until my mid-30s, when I finally found a psychotherapist who could genuinely help me, I was an emotional basket case.

For most of my life, I largely lived in fear, couldn’t trust, couldn’t develop healthy friendships or relationships. To survive, I drank, did drugs, and put on weight to protect my body (to not feel sexual toward men). At 30 I fell pregnant twice, and twice chose abortion. I couldn’t bring a child into my desperate and addictive life, as I was still very messed up, confused, scared, and unable to deal with life.

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Ruby: Not having the most intimate of experiences of loving a child. Missing out on this “true love”. Even though my partner loves me dearly, it is a different kind of love.

LWB: What’s the best advice you’ve received?

Ruby: As time ran out, I started to feel myself becoming more desperate, wanting to have a child “above everything”. While my partner then, too, wanted a child as much as I did, he was also my loving reality check. Was it the end of the world if we didn’t end up having children? “Our life can be deeply rewarding, whether we do or don’t have children. What if there are complications? (At our age, early 40s, a real risk factor.) What if it’s not all you dream it will be?”

I hadn’t let myself fully sit with these options until then. It was at this point that a whole lot of tension I had been holding onto started to release, and a sense of true worthiness came back into my life. It was then that I first let myself grieve, and, through this grief, connected with my heart in a deep way. I stopped defining myself through this one role of motherhood and allowed myself to own all of my life as it was, and all of my potential.

LWB: What have you learned about yourself?

Ruby: That I am a deeply loving and beautiful and worthy soul, even without children. That I am still capable of true love, and making a real difference to others, just not in the most immediate way that being a parent offers. That I am not a failure just because I am not a mother.

We had considered IVF, but the statistics they gave us were misleading, and we realized that, ultimately, IVF clinics are businesses. The whole process felt mechanical and unsupportive. After so many years of being emotionally disconnected from my heart and soul, it was the IVF process that finally made me listen to and honor my body. I wanted to love and nurture a child’s life, but I also wanted to nurture the soul of my own Inner Child that I had neglected and abandoned so long ago. As I write this now, it is this true love that I feel for my deeper self, that teaches me, reminds me, that “I am enough”.

LWB: What’s one thing you want other people (moms, younger women, men, grandmothers, teachers, strangers) to know about your being childfree?

Ruby: That “giving birth” and “nurturing life” can take many sacred forms. For me, today, it means giving birth to all the deepest joy and creativity I feel inside me. I have longed to create a book, workshops, and business revolving around emotional healing, and have finally gathered the courage in the last year to start giving birth to this dream.

LWB: How has LWB helped you on your journey?

Ruby: I was led to your beautiful, brave, honest, and authentic website through your interview with Tracey Cleantis about her book The Next Happy. Discovering your website connected me with a core truth that I had not fully owned—that I will never be a mother—and I’m so grateful that you’ve helped me to more fully own and grieve what it means to “live without baby”.

*Not her real name. We allow each respondent to use a fictitious name for her profile, if she chooses.

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the “Our Stories” page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

Whiny Wednesday: Shopping for Clothes

Whiny_WednesdayOne of the earliest posts I wrote here was about the trend at the time in baby doll tops that, on me, looked like maternity wear.

This week, a reader offered this Whiny Wednesday topic about shopping for new clothes. Her whine is:

“The need to go shopping for new clothes and trying to find something I feel good in vs. something I think screams ‘infertile and has a poor sense of style.’”

She may not have a great sense of style, but at least she has a great sense of humor.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What can you laugh about this week?

We’re Back!

By Lisa Manterfield

Furious womanOh my goodness! What a nutty couple of weeks. There I was, all set for my traditional “summer’s over, time to get back to business” post when suddenly the comments stopped working.

Of course, it was right before the long Labor Day weekend, so any tech experts were busy flipping burgers, their phones and email either turned off or vehemently ignored. I sweated, I panicked, I considered trying to fix it myself based on an assumption of what I thought was wrong.

Instead, I took a breath and reminded myself of what I so often preach:

It will be okay. It will get fixed, even if it’s not today and even if it’s not how I’d envisioned. In the end, one way or another, it will all work out.

And here we are. Everything is back to normal and all is right in this corner of my world again. It turns out that our little community has been around so long that it outgrew some of its technology. We’re all up-to-date now and should remain that way, knock on wood.

So, if you were frustrated, cursing, and muttering my name under your breath as you tried and failed to jump into a conversation, I apologize and I really appreciate your patience. Here are the posts you missed if you want to jump in now.

On Monday, I wrote about the Ring Theory in How Not to Say the Wrong Thing.

Whiny Wednesday’s topic was the thorny issue of making new friends when you don’t move in the mommy circles.

And on Friday, Kathleen, wrote about assumptions and pressure in her post about Being Blessed with Children.

Normal service will resume on Whiny Wednesday this week.

 

WorkBook4_3DIn other news, I spent much of the summer working on the final book in the Life Without Baby ebook series and it comes out next week!

Thriving in a New Happily Ever After is all about embracing the future, rediscovering who you used to be, and taking small steps in a new direction. I didn’t want it to be another “fix your broken life now!” book and what I hope I’ve written is a gentle, encouraging “How do I get unstuck from where I am now when I have no idea which direction to head next?”

The book comes out on September 22nd and it’s available for preorder on Amazon now. I hope you’ll find it useful.

How Not to Say the Wrong Thing

By Lisa Manterfield

shhhI absolutely love this article by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman about how not to say the wrong thing to someone in crisis. I wish it was mandatory reading for everyone, and I especially wish it came with a note explaining that it applies when talking to infertiles and the childless-not-by-choice.

The gist of their Ring Theory is that the person in crisis is at the center of the ring and those next closest to the person occupy subsequent rings. In the case of someone coming to terms with not having children, she would be at the center, her spouse or partner on the next ring, perhaps closest family and friends on the next, and more distant family, coworkers, and acquaintances beyond that.

The rule is that that if people have something mean or insensitive or opinionated to say, they say it to someone on a bigger ring. When speaking to someone on a smaller ring, they can only listen or—if they must say something—offer help, support, or comfort. No advice, no miracle stories, no blame or shame. No offering of their kids, no suggestions to adopt. “I’m sorry” is all that needs to be said. If they want to dump, dump outwards, not inwards.

I wish people would understand that someone who has just acknowledged she won’t ever have children is in crisis, and what she needs more than judgment and unhelpful help is for people to say to the right thing.

Great news: The final book in the Life Without Baby ebook series comes out September 22. Writing Thriving in a New Happily Ever After showed me just how far I’ve come in making peace with my childlessness. I’m looking forward to sharing it with you. It’s available now for pre-order at Amazon, along with the first three books.

It Got Me Thinking…About Shotgun Weddings

By Kathleen Guthrie

Girl ThinkingShortly after I sent out save the date cards for our wedding, I received several variations of “Didn’t know you were pregnant – har har!”

I didn’t finding this the least bit humorous, although I’m sure that is what those Jim Carrey–¬wannabes had intended. My fiancé and I had been together for four years, living together for two. We were getting married because we wanted to, not because we had to. And so what if I was pregnant? Would it make this occasion, our commitment to each other, any less solemn?

Of course, because I had finally (mostly) made peace with our decision to be childfree, our friends’ insensitive responses struck a deeper, more painful chord. What I really wanted to do was reply back by saying, “No. Sadly, pregnancy is no longer an option for me.”

But that would have been rude.

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She met and married her Mr. Right in her 40s.

Whiny Wednesday: Do You Want Mine?

Whiny_WednesdayIf you’re new to the site, you might wondering what Whiny Wednesday is all about.

A few years ago, some readers commented that they couldn’t express how they felt around friends and colleagues, as they were always made to feel as if they were whining. So, we created Whiny Wednesday as a place to complain and grumble about whatever’s on your mind each week. It can be an issue surrounding living without children, or just a general grumble about life, work, family, the world.

I used to start each post with a gripe of my own, but lately I’ve found I’ve covered most of what bothers me, so I put out a call for Whiny Wednesday topics, and you, dear readers, came through! So, each week, I offer one of your suggested topics as a starting point, but as always, any topic is fair game.

So, let’s kick off with this week’s topic:

Parents who complain and complain then ask “Do you want my kids?”

Happy whining!

P.S. If you need something to cheer about instead, check this fun list of quotes from famous childfree women.

If you have a topic that hasn’t been covered yet, please drop me a line, send me ideas, or a list of ideas, and I’ll include them here. You can reach me at: lisa [at] lifewithoutbaby [dot] com.

 

Our Stories: Ann

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our Stories“For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother,” Ann writes. “I could picture the children more clearly than I could picture any partner.” Now 49 and divorced, Ann still wonders if there is a way for her to become a mother. Here’s what she has to say.

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?

Ann: I am childfree because my ex-husband and I had three traumatic pregnancy losses—a full-term stillbirth, a termination due to chromosomal abnormalities, and a miscarriage. We were diagnosed with infertility and found ourselves in a vulnerable enough state in our marriage that it didn’t seem right to adopt.

 

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Ann: I am amicably divorced. I am mostly at peace with my childless state, though I still have times when I think of adopting.

 

LWB: What was the turning point for you?

Ann: The turning point for me—and it took a long, tangled while—was realizing that my marriage and my desire to be a parent were separate. I needed to address the state of my (unhappy) marriage before I could address the idea of becoming a parent. I have never wanted to go into parenthood as a single parent, and this still mostly holds true now that I’m divorced.

 

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Ann: The hardest part about not having children is that I feel as if my natural state is to be a mother, and I’m not (except to my dog and very occasionally to my nieces, nephews, and friends’ kids). This is confusing and makes me feel as if I’m denying who I really am. Then I get all worked up about why I don’t have children. My decision to not be a parent has more logical reasoning behind it than maybe it should.

 

LWB: What’s one thing you want other people (moms, younger women, men, grandmothers, teachers, strangers) to know about your being childfree?

Ann: I used to view people who were childless as kind of limited and selfish. I want the world to understand that being childfree for many of us is not by choice.  Even though we live in a world where we have a lot of choices, there are many very legitimate reasons why we remain childless. This does not mean we do not care about children as much as the next person. This does not mean we don’t or can’t understand love. I hate it when people say they didn’t understand what love was until they had children, as if those of us who don’t have children don’t know what love is. I hate hearing about groups such as Moms For or Against…whatever the cause is. Why can’t they be People For or Against…. I hate it when parenting queries are addressed only to parents, as if all the time I have spent around kids doesn’t count. I also hate the doubting part of me that worries that I am limited and selfish by not doing all I can to have kids.

 

LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”

Ann: Mostly I answer “No.”  Sometimes, depending on the context and the company, I answer “None living.”

 

LWB: What is the best advice you’d offer someone else like you? (or What advice would you like to give to your younger self?)

Ann: The best advice I’d offer someone like me now is not to be too hard on yourself and to find ways to make yourself happy. It is hard to live a different life than you envisioned yourself living. Give yourself time to sort it out. There are many ways to positively influence kids without being their parent. The world needs us all—parents and non-parents.

The advice I would give my younger self is different. I would encourage my younger self to get started on the parenthood quest sooner. My older sister had a life plan: She wanted her first child by 30. I had no such plan. Perhaps if I had, my life would be different now.

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Family Jealousy

By Lisa Manterfield

Young Businesswoman Standing with Two Young Business ExecutivesAs I continue on my own journey of healing, I find it hard sometimes to write about the issues that used to cause me such discomfort. It’s amazing how the human brain can dull past pain. So I appreciate when readers contact me with ideas for topics they’d like to see discussed.

Recently, Jennifer sent me this question about jealousy within families:

“I see a lot of people post about the joy of having nieces and nephews. Well, my brother’s wife is pregnant and I’m feeling completely pushed of out the picture. It may be because I reacted with shock and sadness over their first pregnancy. But I did write a lengthy, heartfelt apology and when that resulted in a miscarriage, my husband and I were the first to make it to the hospital and we stayed 11 hours with them. Now, my sister-in-law is being really removed from me.

I really want to have the connection with my niece or nephew, but I’m afraid I won’t. And honestly, I’m jealous.

I wonder if others have similar experiences?”

A new baby in the family is a really difficult situation to navigate. There’s such a mixed bag of emotions involved. You’re trying to deal with your own grief, while also feeling alone because others don’t understand what you’re going through. Then a cause for celebration gets thrown in on top of that and, as much as you know you’re supposed to be happy for the new parents, all you can feel is resentment and jealousy that it’s not you. So, guilt and shame for being a bad sport get piled on top of that.

I also know that other people don’t know how to handle us when they have good news. I recall a friend being extremely uncomfortable about telling me she was pregnant. She dealt with it by sitting down, explaining that she knew this was difficult for me, and asking me how much or how little I wanted to know or be involved. I really appreciated her being open and it allowed me to be honest with her about how I felt. I’ve also had the experience of a friend saying, “Guess what?!” and then launching into every detail of how she found out and how it feels to be pregnant, while I sat and squirmed. Often people don’t know what to say or how best to handle us “volatile” folks, so they pull away and say nothing.

How about you? Have you experienced jealousy over new babies in the family? How have you dealt with it? Have you had a good experience with a friend or family member handling their news with aplomb?

 

If you have a topic or question you’d like to see discussed on the blog, please drop me a line. You can email me at lisa [at] lisamanterfield [dot] com or go through the Contact page.

Whiny Wednesday: Feeling Imperfect

Whiny_WednesdayThanks to everyone who has contacted me with Whiny Wednesday post ideas. I have a good list now, but keep them coming. You can send topic ideas through the Contact page.

This week’s topic is another tender subject:

The constant struggle of feeling my life is imperfect because of not having children.


How do you feel about this? Has that feeling changed with the passing of time?

As always, the floor is open for any other whines and rants you need to get off your chest.