Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayLast week, I bunked off work early and went to the beach. It was a beautiful afternoon with a cloudless June sky and a gentle breeze blowing off the water, and I realized how lucky I was to be able to be there. I had no one to collect from school and no baseball practice to shuttle to and from. Nobody was counting on me to provide nourishment or even junk food snacks. Nobody needed me to change a diaper or resolve a dispute over a remote control. No one was relying on me for anything, and right then, at that moment, I was glad for it.

So, let’s turn Whiny Wednesday upside down this week. Tell me: What are you grateful for today?

(And by the way, if your answer is “nothing” you’re welcome to come and whine anyway.)

The Need to Nurture

I like to tease my nieces and nephews by telling them that if they’re not nice to me, I’m going to leave my (ahem) “millions” to a home for cats. But how far from reality is the stereotype of the childless woman filling her home with feline (or canine, or even porcine) companions? Do we women really need some small helpless creature to nurture in order to satisfy our natural instincts?

photoI have a cat, Felicity, who I rescued almost 10 years ago, when I assumed she’d someday have to share my attention with children. She is spoiled and overindulged. She gets away with more than I’d ever tolerate from a human baby. But do I treat my cat as a substitute for a child?

Do I talk to her? Sing to her? Hold her like a baby? Do I blow raspberries on her belly? Do I refer to myself as “Mummy” in her presence?

Well, yes. I do.

I have a need to nurture and she is the (mostly) willing recipient of my affections. Does she fill the hole my human babies would have filled? Of course not, but she goes a long way to satisfying my need to care for something wholly dependent on me.

What do you think?  Do you need to fulfill some in-built need to nurture? Can the need be satisfied with a relationship with an animal?

It Got Me Thinking…About Is She or Isn’t She?

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I am constantly on the lookout for cheros, that’s heros who happen to be childfree. When I explore different countries and cultures, I want to know if the groundbreaker I’m learning about juggled raising children with making history. When I’m in a museum, I note names of female painters who intrigue me, then I google them when I get home, hoping to discover they devoted their lives to creating masterpieces instead of babies. I want to find women like me who have lived amazing lives (sans children) and can inspire me to do the same. So when a phenomenal woman makes the news, I want to know: Is she or isn’t she…childfree?

That’s why I got really excited when I first heard about Julia Pierson, the first female head of the Secret Service.

I found out about Pierson’s recent appointment in a post by Marcy Twete, the founder of Career Girl Network. (Read the post here here.) As the head of the Secret Service, Pierson will oversee the offices that protect the president of the United States and address national security issues ranging from identity theft to terrorism. Pierson comes to the office with more than 30 years experience, having started her career as a law enforcement officer, and she’s more than up to the tasks of her new position. A woman in charge? This is a big deal!

I went in search of more information about Pierson and found her official bio. (Read it here.) Yes, I wanted to know about her background, but really I wanted to know if she was on my “team”. Could she be a role model for me? Could she be a chero?

Spoiler alert coming…. Turns out there’s no mention whatsoever of a spouse or offspring in her bio. At first I was surprised because including family details is the norm, but then I got to thinking: This is the way it should be. A professional bio should be about a woman’s—or a man’s—professional experience and achievements. Period. Is she? Isn’t she? Doesn’t matter!

This makes it possible for us to appreciate all phenomenal people for who they are and what they do, and I celebrate this.

P.S. Twete also notes that there is some serious girl power going on since Pierson will be reporting to Janet Napolitano, head of Homeland Security. Janet Napolitano, by the way—chero! Go, team!

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayMy whine today is that I am tired of being tired. I have a day clear of appointments today, which means I can settle down and write, take care of a client project, work on the website, and read a friend’s book proposal, but all I want to do is lay on the couch and sleep.

It’s on days like today that I am thankful I don’t have children to care for. You’ve seen those photos of the big sow, flopped on her side with a dozen piglets clamoring all over her. I’m afraid that if I had kids, that would be me.

Anyway, it’s Whiny Wednesday. If you have the energy, feel free to have a good gripe here today. Just don’t wake me up.

Familia de Dos – Family of Two

shadow couple - pixabayBy Lorena de Quinto 

Continuing the effort to share resources in other languages, this week I’d like to introduce Lorena de Quinto and her Spanish-language blog, Familia de Dos (Family of Two.)

Somos una familia de dos.  Empecé a escribir con la finalidad de compartir la lucha personal y la bendición de ser una pareja infértil.  Quiero compartirles mi viaje personal, el cual aún  no ha concluido del todo.  Un viaje que para nosotros, fue y es guidado por la mano amorosa de Dios.  El es el Único que nos ha sostenido fuertemente en medio de la tormenta y la calma en este viaje de ser una familia-de-dos.

Les comparto un poco de nuestra historia: Mi esposo y yo estamos pronto a cumplir 12 años de casados. Nos casamos en Abril del 2001.  Actualmente, él tiene 39 años y yo 38.  En nuestro tercer año de casado nos percatamos de que teníamos infertilidad no-explicada: habíamos pasado ya por todos los tests básicos, los cuales mostraban que no había nada raro ni malo en nosotros.  Simplemente no nos podíamos embarazar.  Así, con esto en mente, de que todo estaba bien y nada estaba mal, iniciamos nuestro arduo viaje.  Si sólo era cuestión de esperar, entonces pronto llegarían.  Pero,  ¿qué había sucedido? Éramos buenos Cristianos, o al menos intentábamos serlo.  Estábamos sirviendo en una comunidad cristiana.  Y estábamos seguros de que nuestros hijos llegarían en cualquier momento, ya que esto siempre sucede en aquellos matrimonios que creen en Dios, como la “promesa bendita”, la “recompensa”.   Bueno, finalmente, después de años de intentarlo, estábamos viendo que no siempre sucedía así.  En SU MENTE, hay un plan perfecto para cada pareja (Romanos 8,28).  Sin embargo, aceptar esto nos ha llevado muchos años.  Saben, no es fácil cuando todas las parejas a tu alrededor, parejas de amigos que se casaron en el mismo año que tú, se embarazaron inmediatamente.  Sí, nuestros amigos más cercanos se embarazaron en su luna de miel.

Casi nadie entiende lo que está sucediéndote.  Todos quieren opinar, todos creen tener la respuesta, en fin.  Hay un ambiente complicado, de incomprensión alrededor de un matrimonio infértil (es muy duro sentirse solo y aislado).  Creo que ni ellos están listos ni nosotros para vivir con la etiqueta de infertilidad.

Después de algunos años, tratando de encontrar un lugar perfecto para ser comprendida, empecé a escribir este blog en el 2011.  Es muy difícil ser apoyada por aquellos que no han vivido esta aventura.  Aunque tengo excelentes amigas que hicieron su mejor esfuerzo.

Esta es mi historia, un viaje lleno de lágrimas, risas, soledad, quejas, una historia llena de momentos “ups and downs”; rodeada de incontables comentarios insensibles y dolorosos que te empujan a esa esquina otra vez, donde sólo tú (o con tu pareja) enfrentas esta situación complicada y estresante.  Pero, al mismo tiempo, un viaje lleno de bendiciones, un viaje bendecido (pero llegar a esta aceptación nos ha tomado algunos años).

Es una pérdida verdadera lo que vivimos las parejas infértiles, sin embargo es tan difícil expresarlo y que lo comprendan los demás; pero sabes, hay esperanza, hay una verdadera esperanza para ti y para mí.  Hay una bendición escondida en algún lugar, lista para ser descubierta. Lista para que tú la vivas a plenitud.  Nada en esta vida es un error, y tú eres una bendición. Y tienes algo importante que hacer en esta vida… 

Esta es mi historia: http://familia-de-dos.blogspot.mx/2011/11/nuestra-historia.html 

Family of Two

We are a family-of-two. I started to write for sharing my personal struggle and blessing of being an infertile couple;  I want to share my personal journey that has not finished.  A journey that for us, it was and still is guided by our lovely God. He is the One who has been holding us so hard.

Our story: My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years.  We got married on 2001. He is 39 and I’m 38. In our third year we realized we had unexplained infertility: we had had all the tests, which showed that there was nothing wrong with either of us.  So, in this point we started our journey of grief.  What had happened? We were good Christians or at least were trying to be good.  We were serving in our Christian community.  Incredibly, we were sure that children will arrive to any marriage who believes in God, as a “promised blessing”.  Well, not always.  In HIS MIND, there is a perfect plan for each couple (Rom 8, 28).  But to understand this took us some years.  It’s not easy when all of your couple-friends get married and get pregnant immediately. This was our situation.  Most of our friends got pregnant in their honeymoon.

And not many around us understood what was happening with us.  There’s an incomprehensive environment around the infertile marriage (it’s so hard feeling alone).  All want to share an opinion, all want to fix your life.  I think that no one is prepared to be or to accompany an infertile couple.

And after some years, finding a perfect place for being understood, I started to write this blog (in Spanish), on 2011.  It’s very difficult to be supported for those who have not going through this journey.  Although I have excellent friends who have done their best.

This is my story,  a journey full of tears, laughs, loneliness, complaints, a story of “ups and downs”; surrounded by many painful and insensitive comments pushing you to that corner again, where you alone (or with your partner) face/cope this stressful situation. But at the same time, a blessed journey. 

It’s a real loss, you and I know it, but it’s difficult to express it, but we know there’s hope, there’s a real hope for you and me.  There’s a blessing hidden yet to be discovered in any moment.  This blessing is for you, to live it plentifully.  Nothing in this life is a mistake, and you are a blessing. And you have an important task to perform in this life… 

This is my story: http://familia-de-dos.blogspot.mx/2011/11/nuestra-historia.html

Lorena says: “I’m 38 years old and I’m Mexican. I’m married and I’m a housewife. I love to cook healthy food. I enjoy those days where I can sit down and write for hours. I love God and my husband and I have learnt to enjoy our family-of-two.

 

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayMy whine this week is people who use “I have kids” as a valid reason for not doing something they said they’d do (especially when it’s something they’ve been paid to do!)

If you can’t do it or don’t want to do it, just say so. But don’t make a promise, drop the ball, and then assume “I have a kid” is sufficient explanation.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s up your nose today?

Childless Men on Father’s Day

man - pixabayMother’s Day is pretty much the worst day of the year for those of us who didn’t get to be moms. But what about Father’s Day and the men in our lives? Do they feel the loss of fatherhood in the same way we feel it for motherhood?

Some of you have expressed frustration with partners who don’t want to talk about the loss and grief we women go through, or who seem to have accepted a life without children much quicker than we have. I know I saw a difference in the way Mr. Fab and I dealt with grief (or appeared to not deal with it at all) so I thought I’d do a little research on the topic of men and grief to see what I could learn.

Turns out that, when it comes to grief, men really are from Mars, as opposed to our home planet of Venus. They’ve often been taught to keep their emotions in check and brush grief under the rug in the hopes that it will just go away (which, of course, it doesn’t.) As a result, we tend to interpret their reluctance to grieve openly as a lack of feeling. But that doesn’t mean they don’t feel the loss just as keenly as we do.

Here’s what I learned about how men grieve:

  • Men often prefer to grieve alone, rather than openly, in a support group setting, or even with a partner.
  • Men are more likely to withdraw and to be introspective than to do “grief work.”
  • Men are more likely to express grief physically with actions or activities.
  • Men sometimes deal with grief by planning for the future rather than dealing with the present situation or looking back at the past.
  • Men sometimes let grief out in the form of irritability or anger.

In other words, just because your partner isn’t hanging out with other men in online support groups, sharing stories, and lending an empathetic ear to other men, it doesn’t mean he isn’t grieving the loss of fatherhood in his own way.

I’d be interested to hear how your partner has dealt with his grief. And if you’re a grieving man reading this, we’d love to hear your point-of-view.

It Got me Thinking…About Being the Fun Aunt

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

It’s a little hard to see in the photo included in today’s post, but I have a mustache drawn on my finger with a black Magic Marker Pen. I’m posing with a cluster of my nieces and nephews as we all show off our “finger mustaches.” There were eight adults at this party, and six kids under the age of 12, but I was the only grown-up to participate because…I am the Fun Aunt.

Mustache photo 4

Back when becoming a single mom looked like my last option for parenthood, I thought hard about what I would gain and what I would sacrifice. Physical affection, membership in the Mommy Club, social acceptance all landed on my pros list. Financial struggles, sleep deprivation, losing ground in my career made the cons. A random conversation with a close friend reminded me of something else I hadn’t yet considered. Joe and Jane* had been married for several years and were discussing the possibility of starting a family. My conversation with Joe went something like this:

Joe: The thing is, I really don’t want children.

Me: Seriously? Why not?

Joe: Well…I like our life, I like our marriage. And I really like that I am still the “fun uncle” with all of our nieces and nephews.

Me: Can’t you still be fun when you have kids of your own?

Joe: Not really. Think about it. You have to be responsible, a disciplinarian. My brothers and their wives are always too tired to play, too stressed out. But I get to roll around on the floor and wrestle. Jane and I get to be silly and funny, we play games with the kids while the other adults sit around and gripe about how burned out they are. I love the relationships I have with all the kids. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to let them get away with cr*p, but I’m more part of their group of friends than like another strict and boring parent.

I thought about this a lot during my own journey to embracing being childfree, and it really resonated. Although at one time I’d desperately wanted children of my own, I also loved my role as the fun aunt. I still do. You can see that in the photo, a snapshot reminiscent of many such family occasions in which I get to be goofy, silly, playful, kid-like.

Coming to terms with our childfree status, no matter the cause, can be horribly painful. As you progress in your healing, I encourage you to embrace the fact that you get to take on this role in the lives of your nieces and nephews, or with the children of your friends. If you need help getting started, visit the Savvy Auntie site. Founder Melanie Notkin has made an art form of great auntie-ing, and the site has tips, ideas, and support.

There were times when I wondered if just being The World’s Greatest Aunt would be enough for me, and I still don’t have the final answer. But I can tell you that I am in a place in my life in which I am enjoying my role immensely and am grateful for it.

*Not their real names.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree. 

 

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdaySummer’s here and, for us, that means bike rides at the beach.

As pleasant as that sounds, it’s often not as relaxing as it could be. Much time is spent dodging drunks, small children on tricycles, and wandering tourists. Mr. Fab and I have both taken tumbles because someone else wasn’t paying attention. I’ve had only minor scrapes and bruises, but Mr. Fab has a permanently separated shoulder to show for his adventures. I’ve seen bent handlebars, cracked helmets, and some nasty road rash out there over the years.

Which is why it drives me out of mind when I see parents carrying young children on bike seats with no helmets! Never mind that it’s against the law here in California, and never mind that they don’t think they’re going fast enough to get into an accident. At any speed, four feet is a long way for a soft skull to fall to hard concrete.

Would I have been a perfect parent? We’ll never know, but as my record is free of parental infractions, that gives me the right to whine about offenders.

As it is Whiny Wednesday, feel free to get your gripes off your chest here.

Children in my Future

file0001702978013A while ago, I wrote that I was focusing on finishing my novel this year. I’m happy to report that it’s coming along nicely, although still a long way from being ready.

In the story, one of the minor characters is a psychic, so when a friend said she was hosting a psychic at her house, I went along for a reading. Admittedly, I went under the guise of research, but to tell the truth, I was curious.

The psychic had lots of fun and interesting observations about me, including the pain in my knee that had begun that morning, my grandmother as my spirit guardian, and my past life as a female falconer. She also predicted that my creative work, long life, and financial fortune were all positively intertwined. This was just what I wanted to hear.

It got even more interesting when she colored my aura chart and included a large pointed triangle of pain/difficulty pointing directly at my ovaries. Given that my infertility is due to premature ovarian failure, you’ll understand why she suddenly had my attention.

So I was already looking to keep proving her right when she told me she saw in my future a cute little girl in shorts and socks, calling me Mom.

Even though I knew this wasn’t probable, I was surprised at the impact it had on me. Although biological children are out of the question, the possibility of being someone’s “Mom,” whether a legal adoptive mother, a guardian, or mom stand-in, are within the realm of possibility, if not the realm of probability. But that flicker of possibilities triggered a painful and unexpected pang of sadness.

Children came up again when the psychic read my cards, but I kept shaking my head and telling her it wasn’t possible. I told her then about my situation and that I had made peace with it and that I was okay. Finally, she said, “There are three aspects to healing: the head, the heart, and the soul. You may have resolved this in your head, logically, and may even be on your way to resolving it in your heart, but your soul doesn’t know it yet, and you need to resolve that, too.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea and I’m starting to think she’s onto something. I definitely lead with my head. I think things through, rationalize, and apply logic. My head was definitely the first to come around to never having children. I am ok because I decided I had to be okay. My head went first and my heart followed slowly behind. But I’ve never given much thought to my soul.

There is a part of me that will always feel the loss of not having children. There’s an element of my spirit that longs to mother (ask my cat; she’ll vouch for that) and that part of me is often unfulfilled.

I’m not sure how to heal the soul aspect of this journey. Perhaps the souls of my children are out there and are longing equally for the mother they didn’t get to have. Maybe they’ll have to find other bodies to inhabit and perhaps we’ll meet at some point and I will mother them in some other way. I honestly have no idea, and I’m not sure if my belief system accepts this idea or can even choose to simply accept it as a way to help my soul find peace.

I know how to heal my heart with logic, and healing a heart is mostly a matter of time. But how do you heal a soul? If anyone knows, I’d love to hear.