Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got me Thinking…About Family Options

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I was really excited about a book I read recently, a humorous look at life that lauded women’s progress in the working world*. But then. In the last several chapters, the author focused on the trials and joys of being a working wife and mom. As I skimmed back over previous pages, I noticed that she talked about her friends and colleagues and their struggles as working moms, but nowhere did she mention anything about the women (and men) who cover for them while they’re all out on maternity leave. In her discussion about families, the closest she got to including any other kind of family (such as one that resembled my own) was an offhanded remark about a gay couple and their dog.

Now I don’t like to get all politically correct about things, but I would like to open her eyes to other family options. I’d like to introduce her to my neighborhood where retirees are raising their grandchildren, former and new spouses are setting aside their differences to co-parent, cultures and languages converge, couples (gay and straight) live with their adopted and foster children, and couples and single people without children are right in the mix. The old Norman Rockwell model of all-white families comprised of one man, his wife, and their two children is neither the majority nor the norm.

Along with the strides women have made it the world, I think our new definition of “family” is also something to celebrate.

 

*Can’t recommend the book (for the reasons noted above), but also don’t want to pan it, so I’m not going to mention the title.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.

 

It Got Me Thinking…About Curiosity

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received is “Follow your curiosity.”

The story, as I recall it, was that Elizabeth Gilbert was working on her follow-up book to Eat, Pray, Love when she got stuck. That’s stuck as in missing deadlines stuck. The more she tried to make it work, the more panic-stricken she became, which made her even more stuck in miserable stuckness. A friend suggested she set the project aside and follow her curiosity, so for several months she focused on her garden*. She planted, weeded, pruned, harvested, until one day inspiration blossomed and she went back to her desk and finished the book.

I use a variation of this when I hit blocks in my own work. Not quite to this extent, but with short breaks to rest my mind while I do something totally different, like going for a walk in the park or practicing a new trick with my dog. Some of my best creative solutions have come to me when I’ve completely given up and decided to take a long-overdue shower. Bam!

And I have started to think that curiosity can play a part in my healing process. As I grieve the loss of my dreams of motherhood and family, I sometimes get really stuck. I can’t figure out what to do with the next week let alone the rest of my life. Do I focus on my career? Do I become my community’s most giving volunteer? Do I challenge myself to break the marathon record for my age group?

Right. All of these seem so big and lofty (and not all that much fun), and I’m not ready to commit to any of them. But I can do something small. I can sign up for a one-day knitting workshop or a five-week Italian conversation class. I can purchase Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue and listen until I understand why everyone considers it one of the greatest albums of all time. I could pick a particular era or event in history and read up on it, or I could rent one of Ken Burns’ documentary series and learn about prohibition, the American civil war, or the Central Park Five. I might select three cookbooks at my library and experiment until I create the perfect chocolate cream pie.

Wine tasting, photography, classic Russian novels…whatever I choose to explore, I hope it engages me enough that I get out of my head and heart for a bit. And who knows, maybe I’ll discover a new passion and direction in the process.

What are you curious about?

*By the way, I noticed in her bio that Ms. Gilbert has a new book coming out this fall. The Signature of All Things is described as “a sprawling tale of 19th-century botanical exploration.”

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status. 

Fitting In

puzzle-63626_640By Geneva Fox

I have been thinking about “fitting in” lately.  I have accepted that I do not fit into society’s conventions.  Most of the time, I am fine with that.  Sometimes, I am reminded of this fact with such force that I feel as if all of the air has been sucked out of me.  This usually occurs when I am reminded of my former life as a wife who desperately wanted to be a mother.

Several days ago, I was having a conversation with my friend about some problems a mutual acquaintance was having with his children.  My well-meaning friend said: “And you want that?!  You’re lucky you don’t have kids!”  When she saw the look on my face she asked me if I had considered adoption.  In my former life, I had not only considered it, but I had pursued it.  I have asked myself again and again what that dream was all about. Why did I hold onto my marriage after so many colossal deceptions by my ex husband?  Most important, why would I even consider adopting a child with him when I knew in my gut he was lying about having read the parts of the books I had marked for him about the adoption process and transracial adoption?  These are the answers that I have come up with:

1) There is a deep urge in my soul to be a mother that I cannot explain even to myself. That urge is now a whisper and a shadow of what it once was.

2) My ex husband was my first love. I believe in true love.  I wanted to believe he would change if I did.  That was a huge mistake.

3) I wanted desperately to be normal, to fit in.  I wanted to be married, own a home, and have children in order to be like every one else.  I had not ever had this experience and I wanted it very badly.  Giving up the pursuit of that life is the hardest thing that I have ever done.

These are the facts about me: I am 44 and childless.  I live with my mother and my boyfriend who is 13 years older than me in a double-wide trailer that is in need of many repairs.  I own a business.  I am a full time college student.  From an outsider’s point of view I am sure my life could seem pretty dim.  It does not fit.

This is my truth: I am happy.  I feel comfortable in my own skin.  On most days I have a great deal of serenity.  I don’t worry about my future.  I no longer stress about my finances.  I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I love who I am on the inside and most of who I am on the outside.  I do not doubt that I deserve the best.  I do my very best to be of service in all situations and relationships everyday.  I am kind.  I enjoy living immensely!

In regards to fitting in, As Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “The road most traveled is one that will allow you to fit in and feel accepted, but it will never allow you to make a difference.”

Perhaps the greatest gift we can give the world is giving up fitting in and taking the path that truly belongs to us.  If I am able to make even a small difference on my path through the world then I am truly living life to the fullest!

Geneva Fox is embracing her childfree status. She is a business owner, full time college student, and writer. She leads a beautiful life with her boyfriend, family, and friends in Ruckersville, VA.  Her blog, “A Beautiful Life” is at GenevaFox.wordpress.com

The Need to Nurture

I like to tease my nieces and nephews by telling them that if they’re not nice to me, I’m going to leave my (ahem) “millions” to a home for cats. But how far from reality is the stereotype of the childless woman filling her home with feline (or canine, or even porcine) companions? Do we women really need some small helpless creature to nurture in order to satisfy our natural instincts?

photoI have a cat, Felicity, who I rescued almost 10 years ago, when I assumed she’d someday have to share my attention with children. She is spoiled and overindulged. She gets away with more than I’d ever tolerate from a human baby. But do I treat my cat as a substitute for a child?

Do I talk to her? Sing to her? Hold her like a baby? Do I blow raspberries on her belly? Do I refer to myself as “Mummy” in her presence?

Well, yes. I do.

I have a need to nurture and she is the (mostly) willing recipient of my affections. Does she fill the hole my human babies would have filled? Of course not, but she goes a long way to satisfying my need to care for something wholly dependent on me.

What do you think?  Do you need to fulfill some in-built need to nurture? Can the need be satisfied with a relationship with an animal?

It Got Me Thinking…About Is She or Isn’t She?

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I am constantly on the lookout for cheros, that’s heros who happen to be childfree. When I explore different countries and cultures, I want to know if the groundbreaker I’m learning about juggled raising children with making history. When I’m in a museum, I note names of female painters who intrigue me, then I google them when I get home, hoping to discover they devoted their lives to creating masterpieces instead of babies. I want to find women like me who have lived amazing lives (sans children) and can inspire me to do the same. So when a phenomenal woman makes the news, I want to know: Is she or isn’t she…childfree?

That’s why I got really excited when I first heard about Julia Pierson, the first female head of the Secret Service.

I found out about Pierson’s recent appointment in a post by Marcy Twete, the founder of Career Girl Network. (Read the post here here.) As the head of the Secret Service, Pierson will oversee the offices that protect the president of the United States and address national security issues ranging from identity theft to terrorism. Pierson comes to the office with more than 30 years experience, having started her career as a law enforcement officer, and she’s more than up to the tasks of her new position. A woman in charge? This is a big deal!

I went in search of more information about Pierson and found her official bio. (Read it here.) Yes, I wanted to know about her background, but really I wanted to know if she was on my “team”. Could she be a role model for me? Could she be a chero?

Spoiler alert coming…. Turns out there’s no mention whatsoever of a spouse or offspring in her bio. At first I was surprised because including family details is the norm, but then I got to thinking: This is the way it should be. A professional bio should be about a woman’s—or a man’s—professional experience and achievements. Period. Is she? Isn’t she? Doesn’t matter!

This makes it possible for us to appreciate all phenomenal people for who they are and what they do, and I celebrate this.

P.S. Twete also notes that there is some serious girl power going on since Pierson will be reporting to Janet Napolitano, head of Homeland Security. Janet Napolitano, by the way—chero! Go, team!

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

Familia de Dos – Family of Two

shadow couple - pixabayBy Lorena de Quinto 

Continuing the effort to share resources in other languages, this week I’d like to introduce Lorena de Quinto and her Spanish-language blog, Familia de Dos (Family of Two.)

Somos una familia de dos.  Empecé a escribir con la finalidad de compartir la lucha personal y la bendición de ser una pareja infértil.  Quiero compartirles mi viaje personal, el cual aún  no ha concluido del todo.  Un viaje que para nosotros, fue y es guidado por la mano amorosa de Dios.  El es el Único que nos ha sostenido fuertemente en medio de la tormenta y la calma en este viaje de ser una familia-de-dos.

Les comparto un poco de nuestra historia: Mi esposo y yo estamos pronto a cumplir 12 años de casados. Nos casamos en Abril del 2001.  Actualmente, él tiene 39 años y yo 38.  En nuestro tercer año de casado nos percatamos de que teníamos infertilidad no-explicada: habíamos pasado ya por todos los tests básicos, los cuales mostraban que no había nada raro ni malo en nosotros.  Simplemente no nos podíamos embarazar.  Así, con esto en mente, de que todo estaba bien y nada estaba mal, iniciamos nuestro arduo viaje.  Si sólo era cuestión de esperar, entonces pronto llegarían.  Pero,  ¿qué había sucedido? Éramos buenos Cristianos, o al menos intentábamos serlo.  Estábamos sirviendo en una comunidad cristiana.  Y estábamos seguros de que nuestros hijos llegarían en cualquier momento, ya que esto siempre sucede en aquellos matrimonios que creen en Dios, como la “promesa bendita”, la “recompensa”.   Bueno, finalmente, después de años de intentarlo, estábamos viendo que no siempre sucedía así.  En SU MENTE, hay un plan perfecto para cada pareja (Romanos 8,28).  Sin embargo, aceptar esto nos ha llevado muchos años.  Saben, no es fácil cuando todas las parejas a tu alrededor, parejas de amigos que se casaron en el mismo año que tú, se embarazaron inmediatamente.  Sí, nuestros amigos más cercanos se embarazaron en su luna de miel.

Casi nadie entiende lo que está sucediéndote.  Todos quieren opinar, todos creen tener la respuesta, en fin.  Hay un ambiente complicado, de incomprensión alrededor de un matrimonio infértil (es muy duro sentirse solo y aislado).  Creo que ni ellos están listos ni nosotros para vivir con la etiqueta de infertilidad.

Después de algunos años, tratando de encontrar un lugar perfecto para ser comprendida, empecé a escribir este blog en el 2011.  Es muy difícil ser apoyada por aquellos que no han vivido esta aventura.  Aunque tengo excelentes amigas que hicieron su mejor esfuerzo.

Esta es mi historia, un viaje lleno de lágrimas, risas, soledad, quejas, una historia llena de momentos “ups and downs”; rodeada de incontables comentarios insensibles y dolorosos que te empujan a esa esquina otra vez, donde sólo tú (o con tu pareja) enfrentas esta situación complicada y estresante.  Pero, al mismo tiempo, un viaje lleno de bendiciones, un viaje bendecido (pero llegar a esta aceptación nos ha tomado algunos años).

Es una pérdida verdadera lo que vivimos las parejas infértiles, sin embargo es tan difícil expresarlo y que lo comprendan los demás; pero sabes, hay esperanza, hay una verdadera esperanza para ti y para mí.  Hay una bendición escondida en algún lugar, lista para ser descubierta. Lista para que tú la vivas a plenitud.  Nada en esta vida es un error, y tú eres una bendición. Y tienes algo importante que hacer en esta vida… 

Esta es mi historia: http://familia-de-dos.blogspot.mx/2011/11/nuestra-historia.html 

Family of Two

We are a family-of-two. I started to write for sharing my personal struggle and blessing of being an infertile couple;  I want to share my personal journey that has not finished.  A journey that for us, it was and still is guided by our lovely God. He is the One who has been holding us so hard.

Our story: My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years.  We got married on 2001. He is 39 and I’m 38. In our third year we realized we had unexplained infertility: we had had all the tests, which showed that there was nothing wrong with either of us.  So, in this point we started our journey of grief.  What had happened? We were good Christians or at least were trying to be good.  We were serving in our Christian community.  Incredibly, we were sure that children will arrive to any marriage who believes in God, as a “promised blessing”.  Well, not always.  In HIS MIND, there is a perfect plan for each couple (Rom 8, 28).  But to understand this took us some years.  It’s not easy when all of your couple-friends get married and get pregnant immediately. This was our situation.  Most of our friends got pregnant in their honeymoon.

And not many around us understood what was happening with us.  There’s an incomprehensive environment around the infertile marriage (it’s so hard feeling alone).  All want to share an opinion, all want to fix your life.  I think that no one is prepared to be or to accompany an infertile couple.

And after some years, finding a perfect place for being understood, I started to write this blog (in Spanish), on 2011.  It’s very difficult to be supported for those who have not going through this journey.  Although I have excellent friends who have done their best.

This is my story,  a journey full of tears, laughs, loneliness, complaints, a story of “ups and downs”; surrounded by many painful and insensitive comments pushing you to that corner again, where you alone (or with your partner) face/cope this stressful situation. But at the same time, a blessed journey. 

It’s a real loss, you and I know it, but it’s difficult to express it, but we know there’s hope, there’s a real hope for you and me.  There’s a blessing hidden yet to be discovered in any moment.  This blessing is for you, to live it plentifully.  Nothing in this life is a mistake, and you are a blessing. And you have an important task to perform in this life… 

This is my story: http://familia-de-dos.blogspot.mx/2011/11/nuestra-historia.html

Lorena says: “I’m 38 years old and I’m Mexican. I’m married and I’m a housewife. I love to cook healthy food. I enjoy those days where I can sit down and write for hours. I love God and my husband and I have learnt to enjoy our family-of-two.

 

Children in my Future

file0001702978013A while ago, I wrote that I was focusing on finishing my novel this year. I’m happy to report that it’s coming along nicely, although still a long way from being ready.

In the story, one of the minor characters is a psychic, so when a friend said she was hosting a psychic at her house, I went along for a reading. Admittedly, I went under the guise of research, but to tell the truth, I was curious.

The psychic had lots of fun and interesting observations about me, including the pain in my knee that had begun that morning, my grandmother as my spirit guardian, and my past life as a female falconer. She also predicted that my creative work, long life, and financial fortune were all positively intertwined. This was just what I wanted to hear.

It got even more interesting when she colored my aura chart and included a large pointed triangle of pain/difficulty pointing directly at my ovaries. Given that my infertility is due to premature ovarian failure, you’ll understand why she suddenly had my attention.

So I was already looking to keep proving her right when she told me she saw in my future a cute little girl in shorts and socks, calling me Mom.

Even though I knew this wasn’t probable, I was surprised at the impact it had on me. Although biological children are out of the question, the possibility of being someone’s “Mom,” whether a legal adoptive mother, a guardian, or mom stand-in, are within the realm of possibility, if not the realm of probability. But that flicker of possibilities triggered a painful and unexpected pang of sadness.

Children came up again when the psychic read my cards, but I kept shaking my head and telling her it wasn’t possible. I told her then about my situation and that I had made peace with it and that I was okay. Finally, she said, “There are three aspects to healing: the head, the heart, and the soul. You may have resolved this in your head, logically, and may even be on your way to resolving it in your heart, but your soul doesn’t know it yet, and you need to resolve that, too.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea and I’m starting to think she’s onto something. I definitely lead with my head. I think things through, rationalize, and apply logic. My head was definitely the first to come around to never having children. I am ok because I decided I had to be okay. My head went first and my heart followed slowly behind. But I’ve never given much thought to my soul.

There is a part of me that will always feel the loss of not having children. There’s an element of my spirit that longs to mother (ask my cat; she’ll vouch for that) and that part of me is often unfulfilled.

I’m not sure how to heal the soul aspect of this journey. Perhaps the souls of my children are out there and are longing equally for the mother they didn’t get to have. Maybe they’ll have to find other bodies to inhabit and perhaps we’ll meet at some point and I will mother them in some other way. I honestly have no idea, and I’m not sure if my belief system accepts this idea or can even choose to simply accept it as a way to help my soul find peace.

I know how to heal my heart with logic, and healing a heart is mostly a matter of time. But how do you heal a soul? If anyone knows, I’d love to hear.

Whiny Wednesday: My Shower Invitation

Whiny_WednesdayAfter telling a friend recently that I haven’t had an invitation to a baby shower in years, guess what popped into my inbox last week?

But here’s the kicker: the invitation is from someone I don’t know who’s throwing a shower for someone else I don’t know, who happens to be expecting twins.

I scratched my head for a while wondering how to handle this. Should I point out I know neither the hostess nor the mother-to-be or should I just show up bearing gifts? (Okay, I was kidding about the latter.)

I guess this is the Universe’s strange idea of a practical joke, and for once, I’m actually laughing.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What strange, ironic, or downright annoying things are going on in your Universe right now?

 

Infertility’s Golden Little Secret

andrew-head-22-2By The One Hand Man 

This may turn out to be a contentious post, and I know it doesn’t apply to everyone, but I have said before that from adversity, comes strength.

I mentioned to a friend the other day about infertility and IVF stripping you down to your very core. It is an energy sapping process, and has a bearing on your soul, that nothing can prepare you for.

So how do we negotiate our way through the mire that is IVF, and come out the other side stronger than before?

Ask your partner

My wife and I have a very open and communicative relationship – this was the bridge stone in not only maintaining our sanity, but improving ourselves as well, during the IVF process.

There were times when my heart wept for my wife, and my brain mustered nothing in terms of words of consolation, but I knew that what she was going through was a dark period in her life, and my feelings, at times, had to be put to one side.

However, I knew it would be remiss of me to ignore my feelings completely, and indeed my wife did an excellent job of allowing me to feel without the pressure of having to talk.

Her subtle and gentle encouragement was enough for me to talk, as and when I needed to, and not just when she needed to. Even more remarkable given that her body was ravaged by hormones.

Rebuild

IVF and infertility knocked us sideways, and only on reflection have we realised how emotionally, and psychologically draining it was.

Having said that, we stated at the outset, that we needed to stick together, to form an alliance against infertility, if we were going to see the other side – and we managed just that.

IVF broke us down, but time, and commitment to each other, helped with the rebuild. What I didn’t expect though, is that what we built back up was stronger than before.

From the beginning our marriage had to be protected to combat the test we were putting it through. Only in this way would we emotionally be in a place to provide a good enough parenthood to a future child. Infertility and IVF had been shared between my wife and me, and we stood firm. That experience added layers to our relationship that allowed us to stand even firmer, with our heads high.

Infertility beat us, but we were not beaten. Like I said… from adversity comes strength.

The One Hand Man: Married in 07, sperm test in 08, IVF in 09, another sperm test in 10, adoption started in 11 – still going through the adoption process. Not had any recent sperm tests. Read more at: www.theonehandman.co.uk

New “Finding Peace” Mentorship Program Starts May 21st

Japanese Tearoom 2A new session of the “Finding Peace” Mentorship Program begins May 21st. This is the third session of this program and past participants have found incredible support through working with an intimate group of peers and having a safe space to discuss issues that most of our friends and family can’t even begin to understand.

Registration is open now and you can take advantage of early bird pricing by signing up by next Friday, May 17th.

Over the eight weeks of the program, you will:

  • Acknowledge your loss and learn techniques to deal with grief
  • Create ways to work through, not avoid, emotions
  • Gain tools to deal with issues of family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers
  • Find a way to move through this difficult transition and into a new and fulfilling life, even it’s one that doesn’t include children
  • Meet other women who understand you and get ongoing support from a sympathetic group of peers in a safe and protected environment
  • Be guided by a compassionate mentor who’s already walked plenty of miles in your shoes and speaks your language (that’s me!)

You might be surprised to learn that we even find room for laughter in these workshop and support sessions. It’s one of the many perks of sharing even the most difficult experience with people who’ve been there, too.

You can find all the details and registration information here.