Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Our Stories: Lee

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesLee is in a painful phase of her journey. She always wanted children, but was never able to conceive. Now 49, she describes her current feelings as somewhere “between sad and depressed.” Read on for more details, then, if you’ve been in her shoes and have made some progress toward acceptance of a life without children, please take a few minutes to offer her encouragement in the Comments.

LWB: Please briefly describe your dream of motherhood.

Lee: I was the oldest of five children, and we had many foster children in our home over the years. I always knew I’d have children, most likely a combination of through birth and adoption.

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?

Lee: By chance, I was never able to get pregnant. We [she’s married] did not pursue any fertility interventions.

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Lee: I’d say I vary between sad and depressed, but resigned, angry, and attempting to embrace Plan B.

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Lee: There are so many facets to the sadness I feel. Sometimes it is things like not getting to feel a child growing inside of me, never getting to take those lovely baby bump photos, not having a baby shower. At other times it is things like missing the chance to raise children the way I think is the best, breastfeeding, baby wearing, co-sleeping, teaching my children to be confident and independent, compassionate and caring.

LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”

Lee: I was never able to have children. I do have a foster daughter who started living with us when she was 17. She is now 25.

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Lee: The freedom to get up and go whenever and wherever we want, not having to worry about children in this changing and often scary world.

LWB: What’s one thing you want other people (moms, younger women, men, grandmothers, teachers, strangers) to know about your being childfree?

Lee: The fact that I did not bear children does not mean that I do not have knowledge about children. I babysat from the time I was 13 years old, and I have spent 28 years as a pediatric physical therapist. I have a lot of knowledge to offer.

LWB: What is your hope for yourself this coming year?

Lee: To get my house and life in order so that I can do my crafts and have people over without stressing over my house!

 

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

 

 

 

 

Our Stories: Justine

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesSerious back problems (including surgeries and a year spent in a body cast) in her youth caused Justine to never be able to carry a pregnancy, so she didn’t think much about becoming a mother. Then the gestational surrogacy option became a media darling, and she started to think about new possibilities for creating a family. Justine and her husband endured two rounds of IVF, two transfers, and the loss of three potential babies. She’s 34 now. They have stopped all treatments, know that adoption is not an option, and are actively working to accept a childfree life together. Here’s some of her story.

LWB: What’s the hardest part about not having children?

Justine: Always fighting this feeling of not belonging. In every sense of the traditional woman my age, I will not belong because I am not a mother. However, I have learned that I will always belong, even when I do not feel I fit in, because that is my right and worthiness.

LWB: What’s the best advice you’ve received?

Justine: That I will always be a mother. I mother and parent my dogs. I mother and parent my clients as a therapist. I mother and parent all the children in my life. I just mother and parent in a different way, and in a lot of ways, I have a bigger audience than I would have if I’d had my own children. I also get to have different—not necessarily better, but just different—relationships with all of the children in my life because I am not their actual parent.

LWB: What have you learned about yourself?

Justine: I’m a lot stronger and braver than I thought I was, especially in owning my story with courage.

LWB: What’s one thing you want other people (moms, younger women, men, grandmothers, teachers, strangers) to know about your being childfree?

Justine: I think a lot of times we are considered to be sad and bitter women, or people feel major pity for us. I think after we do our work of recovering from struggles we can actually have better and happier lives. It took major work to get to this side. My sad and bitter moments are few and far between, but I have to stay on top of my recovery.

LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”

Justine: I hit people with the truth and take the teaching moment. I usually say something to the effect that we tried to have our own children but can’t. I might say that we are learning to accept a childfree life, but we have a lot of children in our lives through our friends and family.

LWB: What is your hope for yourself this coming year?

Justine: Continue my recovery, especially getting stronger in it. I will continue to work on my blog, Ever Upward [see below]. I hope that it can reach more and more women and continue to open up the conversation to the other side of infertility.

 

On Ever Upward, Justine shares more of her story and addresses how we can “really own” our own stories. Learn more about Justine—and about her upcoming book—here.

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Our Stories: Kay

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesAfter a first marriage to a man who was “never stable enough for us to have kids,” Kay* met her current husband when she was almost 42. They got busy trying to create their family, but three pregnancies were lost early, and adoption didn’t work (they weren’t against it, but the reasons it didn’t work were “complicated”). Now 52, Kay still struggles with being childfree by chance and circumstance. After reading her story below, I hope you’ll take a moment to offer her some encouragement in the Comments.

LWB: Please briefly describe your dream of motherhood.

Kay: Oh, the Waltons. I wanted a big family with lots of children, maybe with foster kids as well.

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Kay: My parents didn’t have a clue how to show love and fought a lot, and we children felt truly unloved and unwanted. From a very young age, all I wanted in life was to be a mama. That I will never have that is crushing. We are not close to any of our nieces and nephews. We have tried, but we live too far away from them to be very involved.

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Kay: I don’t have to discover that I am just like my parents in parenting, in spite of my best intentions.

LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”

Kay: I really, really struggle with this because I so want/wanted to be a mama, and I want to relate to other people. Trying to explain, however, becomes complicated. I frequently get, “You could always just adopt,” which is a more complicated conversation. I’ve found it best to just answer, “No.”

LWB: What’s your Plan B?

Kay: I still very much want children in my life, and it doesn’t matter to me now that they won’t be my own. We unofficially mentored a family for a while. We called them our “Rent-a-Kids” and they liked that. But they moved away, so now I’m looking for something similar. I would like to find a way to connect “aged out” foster kids with people who would be family for them, to give them someone to care about them and a place to go for holidays and other momentous occasions. I don’t quite know how to get this started, but I’ve recently come across a couple of possibilities.

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Kay: I still struggle with hearing pregnancy announcements, and frequently give a big sigh when I read stuff on Facebook about friends’ kids/grandkids or their parenting stuff. Early on I told myself, “This is not how your life will turn out. You will not have this.” It was an attempt to work for acceptance, but I eventually gave it up as it was turning into a self-pitying whine instead of acceptance. Sometimes I’m angry, more often I’m wistful. I frequently quote Agatha Christie: “Life is badly arranged.”

 

*To protect respondents’ privacy, we allow each to choose a name for her profile. It may or may not be fictitious.

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Our Stories: Gwen

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesGwen*, now 44, has endured a rough journey of loss and infertility treatments, but she still hopes for a miracle. Like many of us, she dances around the pros and cons of being childfree as she considers what her Plan B might look like. Do you see yourself in her story? If so, take a moment to reach out to her in the Comments.

LWB: Please briefly describe your dream of motherhood.

Gwen: I told myself that if it didn’t happen by 36 I would not pursue it. It wasn’t until I was 39 and reconnected with an old flame—who I eventually married—that I wanted to try for a family. My husband had been a victim of parental alienation for over a decade, has had no connection with his own children for over eight years, and it was very important for me to be able give him a child we could raise together in a very loving family.

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?

Gwen: It was by choice until the age of 39. Then, after three years of trying and having over a dozen conceptions/zero pregnancies/one early miscarriage, I sought infertility treatment. Two failed IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycles into two failed IUI (intrauterine insemination) converts; the doctors could do nothing for me. We can’t afford and are not morally on board with egg donorship. We are too old to adopt a young child, and I do not to want to put myself or my husband through the grueling process of rejection through adoption.

LWB: Where are you on your journey now? (For example: still in denial, angry, hoping for a miracle, depressed, crawling toward acceptance, embracing Plan B, all of the above.)

Gwen: All of the above. I still hope every month, still time intercourse for a possible miracle while fully knowing the eggs are bad and the outcome will most likely never change. Just this month we had a conception that failed. I now joke that my uterus is made of Teflon.

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Gwen: Feeling like a social outcast. I just cannot get past that one. I’ve never followed the status quo my entire life, was a “late bloomer” with all things social growing up, and became a statistic as a child of divorce and divorced twice over myself. So giving up the battle and becoming yet another statistic is the hardest part for me. “Everyone else can have a child, why not me?” is what goes through my head every day.

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Gwen: Not having to dedicate the next 18 years to being responsible for another human being. I can continue to “do my thing”, come and go as I please, work on my crafts whenever I want, enjoy life on my terms, and not lie in wait for what my offspring needs right now. Oh, and being able to get a full night’s sleep every night. That’s a biggie.

LWB: What’s your Plan B?

Gwen: As I am just coming to terms with being childfree forever, I guess it is wait and see. After three years of marriage we could apply to be a licensed foster home and hope to find an older child who will fit into our life. But that is another year waiting, and my thoughts on adoption might change by then. I’ll leave that in God’s hands.


*To protect respondents’ privacy, we allow each to choose a name for her profile. It may or may not be fictitious.

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Our Stories: Melanie

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesHere’s a somewhat different story. For many (most?) of us, becoming a mother was a long-held dream, and losing that dream was a devastating experience. Melanie, however, never felt that “burning desire,” although she was open to having children if a husband wanted them. Now 48 and single, she has a healthy perspective on what being childfree means for her, and I think we can learn from her, maybe even embrace some of what she’s discovered for herself along the way. Take a look.

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?

Melanie: I am childfree by chance, I suppose. The opportunity has never come up for me, so I am content with the way things turned out.

 

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Melanie: I feel I am too old to have kids on my own anymore, so have accepted that outcome and am at peace with it.

 

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Melanie: I don’t feel I need children to complete my life. I can concentrate my time on bettering myself and finding a partner with whom to enjoy life’s journey together. I also am able to get my children “fix” by spending quality time with my beautiful nieces. Additionally, I feel that children could be a financial burden in a way; I would have the added stress of providing for them, not only for their necessities, but also for their educations.

 

LWB: What have you learned about yourself?

Melanie: I’ve learned that I was not meant to be a mother in this lifetime. I have done a lot of personal development work, and maybe there’s a reason why the blessings of children did not come into my life. I think I needed to do more work on myself before I would be ready to be a mother. I think I’m best suited to be a mom to a pet instead!

 

LWB: What’s one thing you want other people to know about your being childfree?

Melanie: That a woman can still be happy and fulfilled without being a mom! There’s so much out there to experience as an individual in this world, and I am glad I have the independence to experience this either on my own or with a partner.

 

LWB: What do you look forward to now?

Melanie: Continuing to work on my personal goals in life and helping to make this world a better place for the next generation. Rather than choosing to have children, I choose to be a better person who could be a role model for my nieces. I hope that that could be my contribution during my time on this planet.

 

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Our Stories: Jen

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesJen, 43, defines herself as childfree “largely by circumstance.” After she developed polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) as the result of long-undiagnosed Type II Diabetes, she and her husband of 20 years chose not to pursue fertility treatments. Giving up her dream of motherhood hasn’t been easy (see her answer to the “hardest part”), but she’s got a positive outlook and some sage advice for the rest of us on this journey. This is her story.

LWB: Briefly describe your dream of motherhood:

Jen: I wanted the whole experience—not just a baby, but a child, a teenager, and an adult child. I anticipated guiding my child to becoming a good person who liked his/herself and contributed positively to the world. I was prepared for the challenges, the detours, the heartaches, and I even knew how I wanted to handle all the negatives: with compassion (which I didn’t get a lot of from my own mother), consistent guidance, and lots of open dialogue. I wanted my children to know they belonged to a family that loved them, regardless of their inevitable faults. I wanted to pass down my family’s stories, recipes, gift of gab, and readiness to laugh.

 

LWB: What was the turning point for you?

Jen: We realized, after consulting with doctors, a pregnancy would be extremely high-risk and dangerous—for both me and our baby. My husband lost his parents young; he was just three when his mother died, and he physically cared for his dad from the time he was 11 years old until he was 20, when his dad finally succumbed to his disease. When I was told I was probably going to have kids with disabilities and/or health problems—if I even carried a baby to term—and that my own health would be further compromised regardless of the outcome, we decided not to continue. I didn’t feel it was fair to expect my husband to repeat the sacrifices he’d had to make as a kid. By this time, we had been married for 17 years. We had spent a good long time as a couple without kids, so we felt the adjustment wouldn’t be too difficult.

 

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Jen: I often feel my life has no purpose; I’m just filling it up with “stuff” and idle pursuits.

 

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Jen: We have more disposable income, which allows us to enjoy more travel and entertainments.

 

LWB: What have you learned about yourself?

Jen: I’m still me. The only thing that has changed is what I expect from my life.

LWB: What is the best advice you’d offer someone else like you?

Jen: Don’t second-guess your decisions, and don’t be swayed by what someone else thinks you should do. Consider your partner and his needs. Remember, you married him to be with him, not just to have babies.

 

LWB: Where are you on your journey?

Jen: Very much embracing Plan B!

 

LWB: What do you look forward to now?

Jen: Taking my niece to Walt Disney World, getting more involved with the local community theatre, compiling my old family photos and stories in albums, and learning how to sleep in!

 

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Our Stories: Kelly A.

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesKelly A’s answer to “What do you look forward to now?” really struck a chord with me. She said, “I look forward to moving past depression and into the realm of acceptance. It seems like this is an unobtainable dream at this point of my darkest days.” I know exactly how she feels; I think many of us do. Yet, even in our darkest days (and for those of us in the U.S., that may coincide with the coming holiday weekend), we can find a glimmer of hope in our LWB sisters’ stories, for as Kelly said, “Seeing other women who have moved on gives me hope that I could be like them one day.”

If you are in your darkest days, I hope you’ll see in Kelly’s story that you are not alone. If you have moved on to brighter days, I hope you’ll share some encouragement in the Comments. Here’s more of Kelly’s story.

 

LWB: Please describe your dream of motherhood.

Kelly: I wanted to become a mother my entire life. When I hit my mid-20s, the urge struck pretty hard. My dream was to have a child that I could pour my love into, to have a child that I would raise with complete love.

 

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?

Kelly: After I got out of a long relationship, I started working out, losing weight, and preparing myself to have a baby. My plan was to go to a sperm bank and just be a single mother by choice. I then become romantic with my husband (who was an old friend), and I was so happy because I didn’t have to use the sperm bank. I thought together we could make our dreams of having a loving family come true.

After I timed intercourse a few times and did not get pregnant, I had a gut instinct that something was wrong. I insisted on fertility testing and found out I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I also had thyroid cancer that year, so that messed with my hormones. I gained a lot of weight, which led to anovulatory cycles. My husband got tested and found out he had primary testicular failure and produced a miniscule amount of sperm. He had surgery, but it was an utter failure. In fact, his counts were even lower after. It’s possible we could use a donor sperm, or IVF, but I have gained so much weight, and we don’t really have the money.

 

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Kelly: Depressed. I don’t believe in miracles when it comes to infertility. It’s pure random luck.

 

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Kelly: Not having anyone understand my pain. They say, “How can you be sad for something that never existed?”

 

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Kelly: Being able to be selfish and only focus on my husband and myself. Traveling on a whim, staying up late, going to bars and restaurants, and talking crap about annoying parents with my childless and childfree friends.

 

LWB: What’s one thing you want other people (moms, younger women, men, grandmothers, teachers, strangers) to know about your being childfree?

Kelly: I’d like people to understand that childfree (childless) people exist at all, and our lives still have value. For example, in my state of Arizona several years back, the Medicare system dropped all childless adults from its ranks. To be blatantly told that my life didn’t have enough value to justify health care, because I don’t have children, is so wrong.

 

LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”

Kelly: I just say no, then I tell them that that my husband and I are infertile. I enjoy the awkward silences in a sick way! When I’m really lucky, I meet other childless people who open up to me after hearing this news.

 

LWB: How has LWB helped you on your journey?

Kelly: It helped tremendously to read about other people’s struggles, to know that I’m not alone on those days when it feels like everyone else has a baby and that I’m a freak of nature. To know that my life still has value even though my body and my husband’s body can’t give life. When I read other LWB readers’ words, I see people who are worthwhile in their love, attention, fun, pain, and life, and I am amongst their ranks.

 

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. This weekend she will be celebrating “Nurturer’s Day” to acknowledge teachers, aunties, nurses, caregivers, and all the “worthwhile” women who give “their love, attention, and fun” to better other’s lives.

 

Our Stories: Louisa

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesForty-four and single, Louisa* never really had a “goal” to have children, she simply thought “life would just happen.” There is some sadness as she reflects on not getting to have children of her own, but when I asked what she would want other people (such as moms, younger women, or strangers) to know about her being childfree, she answered with enthusiasm, “That it is okay!” I love her positive attitude. Here’s more of her story.

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?

Louisa: I guess childfree by chance, and a little by choice (because most of the time I say I didn’t want children). I had friends who wanted to be married by a certain age, and then have children by a certain age; it just didn’t happen for me. I have never been married, and never really met anyone who I thought I wanted to have children with.

 

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Louisa: Once in a while wishing I could have had a child, wishing I could have experienced a baby of my own. But then accepting that I’m past the age of having children. I am trying to love and accept myself as life goes on.

 

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Louisa: Seeing a cute baby or child, and seeing the glorious expressions on its face as it learns the world and experiences the love it feels. [Sometimes it’s hard] when I’m holding a friend’s baby and it looks at me with innocence, love, and a smile!

 

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Louisa: I know I would be a very over-protective parent and I would worry tremendously!

 

LWB: What have you learned about yourself?

Louisa: That it’s important to take advantage of time with family and friends. Love them, and always keep them in my heart.

 

LWB: What advice would you like to give to your younger self?

Louisa: Maybe to take a bit more control of your life and try not to be a late bloomer.

 

LWB: What do you look forward to now?

Louisa: I want a good year! I want to get my ducks in a row, create a secure future, feel secure in my life and decisions. I look forward to loving my dog and taking care of her, and living life!

*Not her real name. We allow each respondent to use a fictitious name for her profile, if she chooses.

 

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Our Stories: Ann

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our Stories“For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother,” Ann writes. “I could picture the children more clearly than I could picture any partner.” Now 49 and divorced, Ann still wonders if there is a way for her to become a mother. Here’s what she has to say.

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?

Ann: I am childfree because my ex-husband and I had three traumatic pregnancy losses—a full-term stillbirth, a termination due to chromosomal abnormalities, and a miscarriage. We were diagnosed with infertility and found ourselves in a vulnerable enough state in our marriage that it didn’t seem right to adopt.

 

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Ann: I am amicably divorced. I am mostly at peace with my childless state, though I still have times when I think of adopting.

 

LWB: What was the turning point for you?

Ann: The turning point for me—and it took a long, tangled while—was realizing that my marriage and my desire to be a parent were separate. I needed to address the state of my (unhappy) marriage before I could address the idea of becoming a parent. I have never wanted to go into parenthood as a single parent, and this still mostly holds true now that I’m divorced.

 

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Ann: The hardest part about not having children is that I feel as if my natural state is to be a mother, and I’m not (except to my dog and very occasionally to my nieces, nephews, and friends’ kids). This is confusing and makes me feel as if I’m denying who I really am. Then I get all worked up about why I don’t have children. My decision to not be a parent has more logical reasoning behind it than maybe it should.

 

LWB: What’s one thing you want other people (moms, younger women, men, grandmothers, teachers, strangers) to know about your being childfree?

Ann: I used to view people who were childless as kind of limited and selfish. I want the world to understand that being childfree for many of us is not by choice.  Even though we live in a world where we have a lot of choices, there are many very legitimate reasons why we remain childless. This does not mean we do not care about children as much as the next person. This does not mean we don’t or can’t understand love. I hate it when people say they didn’t understand what love was until they had children, as if those of us who don’t have children don’t know what love is. I hate hearing about groups such as Moms For or Against…whatever the cause is. Why can’t they be People For or Against…. I hate it when parenting queries are addressed only to parents, as if all the time I have spent around kids doesn’t count. I also hate the doubting part of me that worries that I am limited and selfish by not doing all I can to have kids.

 

LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”

Ann: Mostly I answer “No.”  Sometimes, depending on the context and the company, I answer “None living.”

 

LWB: What is the best advice you’d offer someone else like you? (or What advice would you like to give to your younger self?)

Ann: The best advice I’d offer someone like me now is not to be too hard on yourself and to find ways to make yourself happy. It is hard to live a different life than you envisioned yourself living. Give yourself time to sort it out. There are many ways to positively influence kids without being their parent. The world needs us all—parents and non-parents.

The advice I would give my younger self is different. I would encourage my younger self to get started on the parenthood quest sooner. My older sister had a life plan: She wanted her first child by 30. I had no such plan. Perhaps if I had, my life would be different now.

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Our Stories: Sandra

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesAt 57, Sandra looks back at a journey that has “morphed, though not intentionally” from married to divorced to single and childfree to a role as what she calls a “professional auntie.” She teaches children and helps shape their character development through work that includes guidance in manners and ethics. (Learn more about her Master Keys books and classes here). “I now honor the sacred role of extended family in raising balanced, healthy kids,” she says. Here’s more of her story. 

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?

Sandra:  I’ve been confronted with several of these situations. My marriage dissolved right after we decided it was time to have kids, and at age 39, time ran out.

 

LWB: Describe your dream of motherhood.

Sandra: I work on a staff with a number of Millennials and some Gen X-ers. One of the fellows is a bright, kind, responsible guy. I enjoy his company and like to encourage him in his interests. We chat about the latest NASA projects, historical novels, and music. Recently, at lunch, I watched him studying, and it occurred to me that if I had had a son, I would have hoped he would have been like him. These wistful thoughts reside in a private world of my own.

 

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Sandra: It’s difficult to not experience so many societal rituals and norms: birthdays, Mother’s Day, graduations, and grandchildren. So many people mark their lives by family events, and that’s just not a reality in my life. One feels like they are on the outside looking in.

 

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Sandra: I have a level of freedom and spontaneity that few women enjoy. I am extremely productive and creative, and I continue to develop personal interests. I’ve also cultivated a large group of close friendships. As a teacher, I’m 100% available to the students, which allows me to profoundly engage with them. The experience of teaching is then personally rewarding. My world does not revolve around homelife.

 

LWB: What have you learned about yourself?

Sandra: The role of an Auntie is as necessary as the primary caregiver, and I have been able to shape the upbringing of many children. This is deeply satisfying and softens the wound of not having reared my own.

 

LWB: What do you look forward to now?

Sandra: I look forward to releasing my children’s book series and helping to shape the next generation’s emotional intelligence. There is a deep satisfaction in sparking their potential, and I get to participate on my own terms without the resentment of unfulfilled personal dreams that many mothers privately feel.

 

LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”

Sandra: I tell them I have many children; I’m a teacher.

 

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.